Rules for Air Travelers

If you don’t fly often, you probably feel a bit uncomfortable in an airport. It’s crowded, has plenty of moving parts and offers many ways for you to screw up. Odds are you’ll ask for help at the wrong place or time, delaying hundreds of people who know what they are doing. So, to keep you from punishing people for your own ignorance or stupidity, I’ve decided to give you a set of idiot-proof rules for behavior. Follow them, and you’ll do just fine.

1. Find someone who knows what he’s doing; imitate him

Look for a person carrying a laptop or wearing a suit. He or she is probably a consultant, attorney or investment banker … and frequent traveler. This person is your new role model. Take off your shoes, fetch your boarding pass, etc. when this person does. You’ll be in good shape.

2. Pack less

If you can’t carry it all yourself, you shouldn’t make us suffer. Your burden is your problem, not mine. If you can’t carry it, you don’t need it. If you need it, you shouldn’t leave home.

3. Shut your kids up

To you, your kids are a blessing. To me, they are Satan’s representatives of assholia on Earth. When your kids cry, you see they are upset. When your kids cry, my wife sees that I’m upset. Do whatever it takes to shut them up.

Now, some people believe that children should learn that they can’t always get what they want. And, if they have to cry, you should let them. Here’s the problem with that approach. I really don’t give a shit about your kids. I have so little at stake in how they are raised that I can’t conceive of caring. So, conduct the life lessons on your own time and at home. Not my problem.

Coming home from Paris a couple of years ago, some woman’s son was crying on the plane. She started to breastfeed him at her seat. Normally, I’m not a big fan of this, but it shut her id’s mouth. I applaud her. Her other kid (probably three or four years old) then started to cry. All I could think was, “Hey, you have another one. Use it.” Thankfully, I said nothing.

This is actually tucked away on a discount European airline's servers

4. Think ahead

 

Don’t wait until you are at security to take your laptop out of your carry-on. If there is a line to get through security– and there usually is– use this time wisely. I do the following while waiting in line: (1) take laptop out of bag, (2) take off my shoes, (3) slide my license or passport and boarding pass under one of my shoes (between the show and the laptop, held by my side) and (4) put any metal (such as my blackberry and cigar cutter) into the small pocket on the front of my backpack. By the time I get to the x-ray machine, all I have to do is toss my stuff on the conveyor belt. It saves plenty of time– for me and those around me.

Do it my way.

5. Use time in line effectively

Long line at Sbarro? Lots of people want to go to Starbucks? Use this to your advantage– and mine. read the fucking menu while you’re in line. There is no excuse for standing around for 20 minutes before getting to the cash register and saying, “I’m not sure …” No fucking excuse. This is an extension of the security concept above, but my audience for this probably can’t see the connection without a little help.

6. Don’t negotiate

Oversold means oversold. No amount of charisma or belligerence will change this fact. Don’t make me wait because you got screwed. When that happens, you turn one problem into several. See, you have the problem that causes you to bitch at the customer service rep. But, you cause a problem for everyone else who is waiting in line behind you. We have to wait, while you negotiate for something that doesn’t exist. So, shut up, and move on.

Now, you may view yourself as something of a freedom fighter. You’re taking on the incompetent airline on behalf of all of us, and we should appreciate your efforts. Right? Bullshit. You look like a fucking retard when you fight with the inept. You don’t inspire respect; you inspire rage. When you beg, negotiate or fight on my time, all you do is direct my anger from the airline to you. I don’t think I’m alone on this one.

The last time I flew, a Delta flight to West Palm Beach was canceled, so all those poor slobs tried to get on my flight to Ft Lauderdale. But, my flight was already oversold. So, to tose morons who waited in line for more than half an hour, I ask, just what the fuck did you hope to accomplish? Did you really think you’d get me bumped? Seriously, don’t be fucking stupid.

7. When you get mad, ou look stupid (a corollary of the above)

In your head, it feels like righteous indignation. On your face, it reads, “Call me Jeffrey Dahmer.” When you yell at a customer service rep, you look like a psycho. You may be right, but you’ll get no sympathy from anybody.

8. Don’t expect service

You’re in an airport, dealing with an airline. I don’t care if you’re super-fly-triple-platinum-guy, you will be treated like shit. And, the more you fly, the greater the odds of your likely shitty treatment. This is the only business in which a company’s best customers routinely get fucked (except porn).

I lived this. I’ve held a lot of travel-heavy jobs, but 2002 stands out for me. From January through June, I racked up more than 90,000 base miles on Northwest. If I hadn’t effectively moved from Boston to Omaha for the balance of the year, it would have been close to 200,000. This is strictly miles flown– no bonuses or any shit like that. I spent a lot of cash on flights (and billed it to my clients!!!), but I ultimately chose which airline to fly. Yet, Northwest did not treat me like a prince. They didn’t even shoot me a smile when all the other scum got scowls. Yeah, money well spent.

Final Thoughts

Look, I could keep going, but you already have plenty to work on. If you can master these eight simple rules, you’ll graduate from disastrous scumbag to mild pain in the ass. Everyone will be happier; trust me.

Answers to Your Search Term Questions

I take a look at the search terms used to find the Wandering Blogger. It helps give me a sense of what interests you. Looking at yesterday’s and today’s activity, it looks like a few of my readers are looking for answers. Just in case you didn’t find them before, I’ll make them explicit now.

Today, someone wanted to learn about the “JetBlue Customer Commitment Team”. Interesting. If there is such a group, I’m pretty sure they’re just as ineffective as everyone else at JetBlue. This airline seems committed to stranding people in airports, and that’s about it. So, if you have a choice between JetBlue and any other airline, take the latter.

Speaking of JetBlue, it appears to be my most popular search term. Readers have hunted for the following:

• JetBlue diverted
• JetBlue Newark delays 2008
• JetBlue flight cancellations August 17

Some of those were pretty specific. I guess someone else got screwed by JetBlue …

One reader wants to know how long it takes to get from Reykjavik to the Blue Lagoon resort in Iceland. It’s about 45 minutes by bus, though you can probably get there a bit faster if you rent a car. I absolutely loved my trip to Blue Lagoon, so check out my blog entry on it.

For the reader who wants to know what to pack for a trip to Nice, France in August: it gets hot. I’d go with shorts and short-sleeved shirts. Yes, you’ll stand out as an American, but live with it. They’d have figured it out from the cowboy hat anyway. Definitely pack a bathing suit, but keep in mind that the beaches are different in southern France. Instead of having sand, they have smoth stones. They won’t hurt your feet, but it makes building castles a tad more difficult.

A few stragglers:

Internext Hollywood 2008 was probably for someone looking for pictures of hotties rather than coverage of my amazing panel on the adult economy. One would-be traveler is interested in the “Grand Spa at Tabacon,” and another has an interest in North Korea’s 2009 Mass Games. Well, he should know that Arirang will not be held next year, so it’s 2008 or 2012. Act now.

Of course, if you ever run out of travel ideas, you can always check out my column at TraderDaily.com >>

Check out Montreal

My latest TraderDaily.com travel article has been posted. I had an absolute blast when I was up there last month, and I look forward to going again soon.

J’aime la Montreal!

So, take a look at the article on traveling to Montreal, then book a quick trip up there. If you’re in Boston or New York, Montreal isn’t too far up north.

While you’re up there, go grab a hot dog. They have decent dogs at the pool hall (there aren’t any pool tables there any more, just hot dogs) on St Denis. That’s exactly what I’m doing in the picture.

With fall coming, you probably think it will be cold as hell up there. You’d be absolutely wrong. Don’t think; let me do that for you. It’s beautiful up there well into October and probably into November. The air is nice and crisp.

Read about Montreal on TraderDaily.com >>

Diverted to Baltimore but Eventually Home

Well, there must be somebody to blame. This time, it seems more like LaGuardia’s fault than Delta’s.

[a considerable amount of time elapses]

Someone’s gotten his shit together. I’m back in Manhattan and happy. The flight home was a pain in the ass. The flight wasn’t able to land in New York, because there was too much traffic. So, we had to circle until we were too low on fuel. The plane was sent to Baltimore, where we waited until some sort of “hold” on LaGuardia was lifted. At least the cab ride back into the city was easy.

It’s starting to feel like, whatever I do, I get screwed on the flight. Montreal was the exception … the only exception.

Finally Home

Well, it took more than 24 hours, but I am finally home. It could have been a lot worse. Had I not been traveling on business– with a very understanding hotel– I could have spent the night in the Fort Meyers airport, sleeping on the floor and trying to subsist on fast food as both my Blackberries lost their remaining battery juice. Instead, I was comfortable, ate and drank well and was lent a Blackberry charger. So, I have few real complaints– excpet when it comes to JetBlue.

Friends Don’t Let Friends Fly JetBlue

Here’s the latest: my flight has been pushed back to 1:30 pm. The announcement was made, and no reason was given. So, I went up to the gate and asked why. The employees were not sure. Finally one said she thought it was high wind. In order to find out the reason for the delay, they have to decipher some small codes on the computer screen. I imagine that it must be quite difficult (not joking).

There’s a problem with is situation– aside from the ongoing problem of my not being in New York yet. the inability to decipher the reasons for a delay prevents JetBlue from living up to its obligations under its “Customer Bill of Rights“. As I mentioned in a post yesterday, JetBlue promises:

INFORMATION

JetBlue will notify customers of the following:

• Delays prior to scheduled departure
• Cancellations and their cause
• Diversions and their cause

I find it interesting that delays do not trigger a need to provide the cause, while cancellations and diversions do.  So, let’s even take my predicament out of the equation and try to figure out how, in general, the policy works for cancellations and diversions. Since the folks at the gate cannot readily interpret the information they are provided, how can they comply with the second two bullet points above. JetBlue is simply not equipped to follow its own policy.

JetBlue simply cannot succeed; it can’t engineer successes where they don’t belong. They have built a policy that matches the effectiveness of the staff: destined for failure.

Chillin’ at Fort Meyers “International” Airport

Yes, this is an international airport. How, I do not know. Maybe it’s because they have both a Starbucks and a Dunkin Donuts. Hell, that’s good enough for me. My flight was pushed back to 12:40, which I guess brings me 40 minutes closer to a cancelation. Have I mentioned how much I despise JetBlue?

I sent them a complaint message when I got back to my room yesterday. The reply was non-commital, so I shot back:

I am not confident that you will forward your comments to the “leadership team.” I would prefer to see some evidence that this situation has been handled. I need something concrete. If I am going to have any confidence in your airline again, I need better. Somehow, several other flights made it into the New York area throughout the evening. Why was JetBlue unable to do so?

Your track record is confirmed by my experience. A customer is at his worst when he finds out his flight has been canceled. Your ticket agent should have been ready for that. I would like to know why he didn’t make any effort to help me. Also, I would like you to provide me with his name. If you do not, I can only assume that you have not located him and thus not resolved the problem.

If you cannot give me straight, full answers, please just let me know that you are unwilling to help.

Of course, they were obligated to reply. Carmen, the unfortunate customer service rep who had to field my e-mail, came back with:

Dear Mr./Mrs./Ms. Johansmeyer, [Okay, let's start here. Could a first name "Tom" be anything other than Mr.? Seriously ...]

Thank you for your additional email to JetBlue Airways regarding your recent traveling.[They do not know that I'm an atheist. Faith isn't exactly a strength of mine.]

I reiterate the previous apology I offered to you on behalf of JetBlue. Please be assured that we
are taking your concerns very seriously and your comments will be reviewed by our Fort Meyers Leadership Team. We understand this was an unpleasant experience for you.

It would have been helpful if you had provided to us the name of the crewmember who assisted you in Fort Meyers. [When in doubt, blame the victim. Of course, this makes perfect sense. Since I fucked up by getting angry and not noting the guy's name (a mistake I actually don't make often), my search for justice will be thwarted. Message to JetBlue: chances are, your entire fucking team in Ft Meyers sucks. Punish all of them. If they haven't fucked up yet, the probably will soon.] In your record, we can see that one of our Fort Meyers crewmembers, Leonard, assisted to move you to another flight. [Common sense would dictate that htis is the guy at whom I am pissed. Think about it. He's the guy who completed the transaction. Do you possibly think he may have been the guy with whom I conversed before the transaction was executed?] We do not know if he is the crewmember you refer to who did not provide the options you were seeking. [So, of course, this is license to do nothing at all. I get it.]

Because we value the privacy of our customers and our crewmembers, we are unable to disclose any disciplinary action that may be taken pursuant to your complaint. We can assure you that we will not overlook your comments. [Okay, this I actually understand. Had they caved to my demands, the airline would probably have been sued, justifiably. But, at least now they know I'm serious.] The matter you have brought to our attention will be addressed. [Yes, but appropriately?]

Tom, we sincerely appreciate you for taking the time to share your experience with us. We hope you can find, through future experiences with JetBlue, that yours was not the typical JetBlue experience we are proud to offer to our customers. We hope we may welcome you on many future JetBlue flights and renew your faith in our airline. [Are they really fucking serious? Do they really think there will be future experiences with JetBlue"? Yeah, they'll happen right after "future experiences stticking a fork in an electrical socket to make sure it's still dangerous. "Renewed faith in our airline?" Again, I'm an atheist for a reason.]

Sincerely,

Carmen
Customer Commitment Crew
JetBlue Airways
Crewmember 26683

There’s only one “Carmen” I trust, and that, my friends, is Carmen Luvana.

JetBlue’s “Customer Bill of Rights” Is Bullshit

JetBlue has a ”Customer Bill of Rights“. According to this policy, I was entitled to:

INFORMATION

JetBlue will notify customers of the following:
Delays prior to scheduled departure
Cancellations and their cause
Diversions and their cause

Yet, somehow I was not notified. Wait, that’s not true. I was notified upon arrival at the airport. Somehow, I suspect this is not how the Customer Bill of Rights was meant to be interpreted. Of course, JetBlue is a bullshit airline. I submitted a complaint to them; I’ll let you know how it goes.

I Hate JetBlue

“Happy jetting,” my ass. i am not doing any “jetting” this evening. Know why? I’ll tell you why. JetBlue sucks. Big time.

Let me say this once and for the record: I hate JetBlue. I hate JetBlue with a passion. First, they left me stuck on the runway for more than an hour when I left JFK on Friday. It’s bad, but the reality of flying JetBlue. Let’s not forget that these fucks left passengers stuck in a plane on the runway for around 10 hours last year.

Well, they somehow canceled my flight to JFK this afternoon … without bothering to tell me. I showed up at the airport; the asshole behind the counter just told me that JetBlue was booked solid into JFK until Tuesday and had no way to get me near New York today. “Well,” I asked, “can you get me into LaGuardia tomorrow? Newark?” No to the former, yes to the latter. But, he didn’t even fucking offer! I had to drag it out of him!

In the words of my favorite cigar guy, “Amigo, cahhh’maaaahhhn.” Translation: This is bullshit.

JetBlue can kiss my ass. Due to the nature of my travel, I don’t always get to choose my airline. When I do get to choose, it will not be JetBlue. I suggest that you adopt a similar policy. JetBlue will fuck you over on a good day and strand you when all else fails.

So, I am back at the resort that I came down here to cover. In all honesty, it could be worse (as my wife reminded me). I am in a top-shelf hotel, and they actually upgraded my room. Now, I have a corner room with a large wraparound deck. There are chairs to accommodate around eight people. So, I am writing, thinking, fuming and smoking a Padron Anniversaro 1926 (natural wrapper, not maduro). I have some writing to do, so I’ll at least be busy this evening. Dinner is en route (a burger, I’m really pretty simple.

The hotel made solving my current situation very easy, and for that, they have my eternal gratitude. I can’t reveal where I am staying on my blog, as the article has yet to be published (hell, I still have to write it). But, if you know me and I deem you trustworthy, give me a shout, and I’ll spill the beans.

Deprived of my aisle seat

Airlines can’t even be nice without screwing up. My wife prefers window seats; I like the aisle. So, if we decide to sit next to each other, one of us suffers—which is the only way to describe a middle seat on an international flight. Generally, we try to sit in the same row, with my wife at the window, me at the aisle and possibly a stranger between us.

Retrospectively, it seems IcelandAir does not approve of this arrangement. When we tried to choose our seats in advance, the airline’s website automatically “upgraded” my aisle seat to a middle seat next to Laura. IcelandAir supports the preservation of the family and does not want to split couples. But, if we reserved seats in separate rows, the computer got the hint. So, one of us was to sit in row 18, the other in 19.

When we checked in at the IcelandAir desk in Helsinki, my wife and I confirmed our seats, telling the clerk that we were quite happy with what we had. I looked forward to a four-hour flight from Helsinki to Reykjavik with room for my legs. Of course, airlines are a cure for happiness, and my luck took a southward turn.

At the gate, the clerk printed slips of paper for my wife and me when scanning our boarding passes. Having noticed that we weren’t sitting together, the computer reshuffled the plane. My wife and I were moved to row 7, much further forward than rows 18 and 19. But, I knew immediately what this meant. I was relegated to a middle seat. I would lose my legroom.

The fucking Nordic oaf sitting in front of me felt the urge to recline, despite sitting in an exit row and having plenty of space in front of him. I responded by driving my knee into his back and shifting it frequently, causing him to look over his shoulder often … though failing to change his behavior. Meanwhile, the arrangement worked out for my wife. Laura still had a window, and there was no seat in front of her; she could stretch out her legs.

Of the many ways an airline could screw up, this is by far the most creative.