The Washington Metro

This has to be one of my favorite subway systems in the world. Don’t get me wrong, I do love New York– and our subways. But, when you have as many people riding it every day as we do, it’s going to get tired quickly. Since D.C. is, to a certain extent, our nation’s showplace, they do seem to invest heavily in a clean and advanced subway system. It is nice, fast and has cool digital signs telling you how far away the next train is.

This city makes it easiest to take the subway from the airport into the city. In Boston, you have to take a shuttle bus from the terminals to the subway station. It’s not convenient, but not bad. New York is a genuine pain in the ass. To get from JFK to the city, you have to take a weird train to the subway (it costs more and takes a while). Then, you have to go from the outer reaches of Queens through all of Brooklyn, then up Manhattan from the bottom. Brutality. From LaGuardia, you have to take the Q47 or Q48 bus (depending on terminal) to the F train, V train or 7 train in Jackson Heights. After that, the subway ride isn’t bad, but the bus can be a major PITA.*

But, from Reagan National, the trip is easy. I got off the Delta Shuttle and was able to walk to the metro station from within the airport. It was easy. Seven stops later, I was at McPherson Square.

Too fucking easy.

————–

*Pain in the ass

Headed Back to DC

I’m back in our nation’s capital, after only a few months. I went down in early May to interview Adam & Eve founder Phil Harvey—it was part of my ongoing effort to finish a Doctor of Business Administration degree. This time, the trip is purely recreational. I’m going to check out the pandas at the National Zoo, check out a new hotel and grab a few decent dinners. After the recent grind at day job, it’s nice to get away for a few days.

 

The Delta Shuttle has been … well … about as good as it can be. We were late getting out of LaGuardia—big surprise. But, we’re in the air as I type this, and everything seems to be running smoothly. The snack service has been surprisingly good. Pepperidge Farm must have paid a fortune for the privilege. Honestly, even the coffee’s not bad.

 

Maybe it’s just the Delta Shuttle to Boston that sucks. Hey, consider where it lands.

 

I used to go to Boston a few times a year for short getaways like this, but I’ve grown tired of that dump. I learned growing up there that the people are assholes with little on their minds aside from baseball (which bores me to fucking tears). Finally, I’ve decided that that second city won’t be on my itinerary for a while. For me, DC is the new Boston.

 

Last time, I stayed at two Hiltons (great deals on Hotwire.com). We’ve put Hotwire to work again for this trip—the Hotel Helix will be home for two nights. I’ll let you know how it goes. For now, check out my reviews of Hilton Washington and Capital Hilton on TripAdvisor.

 

Read about the Hilton Washington on TripAdvisor>>

 

Read about the Capital Hilton on TripAdvisor>>

 

Rules for Air Travelers

If you don’t fly often, you probably feel a bit uncomfortable in an airport. It’s crowded, has plenty of moving parts and offers many ways for you to screw up. Odds are you’ll ask for help at the wrong place or time, delaying hundreds of people who know what they are doing. So, to keep you from punishing people for your own ignorance or stupidity, I’ve decided to give you a set of idiot-proof rules for behavior. Follow them, and you’ll do just fine.

1. Find someone who knows what he’s doing; imitate him

Look for a person carrying a laptop or wearing a suit. He or she is probably a consultant, attorney or investment banker … and frequent traveler. This person is your new role model. Take off your shoes, fetch your boarding pass, etc. when this person does. You’ll be in good shape.

2. Pack less

If you can’t carry it all yourself, you shouldn’t make us suffer. Your burden is your problem, not mine. If you can’t carry it, you don’t need it. If you need it, you shouldn’t leave home.

3. Shut your kids up

To you, your kids are a blessing. To me, they are Satan’s representatives of assholia on Earth. When your kids cry, you see they are upset. When your kids cry, my wife sees that I’m upset. Do whatever it takes to shut them up.

Now, some people believe that children should learn that they can’t always get what they want. And, if they have to cry, you should let them. Here’s the problem with that approach. I really don’t give a shit about your kids. I have so little at stake in how they are raised that I can’t conceive of caring. So, conduct the life lessons on your own time and at home. Not my problem.

Coming home from Paris a couple of years ago, some woman’s son was crying on the plane. She started to breastfeed him at her seat. Normally, I’m not a big fan of this, but it shut her id’s mouth. I applaud her. Her other kid (probably three or four years old) then started to cry. All I could think was, “Hey, you have another one. Use it.” Thankfully, I said nothing.

This is actually tucked away on a discount European airline's servers

4. Think ahead

 

Don’t wait until you are at security to take your laptop out of your carry-on. If there is a line to get through security– and there usually is– use this time wisely. I do the following while waiting in line: (1) take laptop out of bag, (2) take off my shoes, (3) slide my license or passport and boarding pass under one of my shoes (between the show and the laptop, held by my side) and (4) put any metal (such as my blackberry and cigar cutter) into the small pocket on the front of my backpack. By the time I get to the x-ray machine, all I have to do is toss my stuff on the conveyor belt. It saves plenty of time– for me and those around me.

Do it my way.

5. Use time in line effectively

Long line at Sbarro? Lots of people want to go to Starbucks? Use this to your advantage– and mine. read the fucking menu while you’re in line. There is no excuse for standing around for 20 minutes before getting to the cash register and saying, “I’m not sure …” No fucking excuse. This is an extension of the security concept above, but my audience for this probably can’t see the connection without a little help.

6. Don’t negotiate

Oversold means oversold. No amount of charisma or belligerence will change this fact. Don’t make me wait because you got screwed. When that happens, you turn one problem into several. See, you have the problem that causes you to bitch at the customer service rep. But, you cause a problem for everyone else who is waiting in line behind you. We have to wait, while you negotiate for something that doesn’t exist. So, shut up, and move on.

Now, you may view yourself as something of a freedom fighter. You’re taking on the incompetent airline on behalf of all of us, and we should appreciate your efforts. Right? Bullshit. You look like a fucking retard when you fight with the inept. You don’t inspire respect; you inspire rage. When you beg, negotiate or fight on my time, all you do is direct my anger from the airline to you. I don’t think I’m alone on this one.

The last time I flew, a Delta flight to West Palm Beach was canceled, so all those poor slobs tried to get on my flight to Ft Lauderdale. But, my flight was already oversold. So, to tose morons who waited in line for more than half an hour, I ask, just what the fuck did you hope to accomplish? Did you really think you’d get me bumped? Seriously, don’t be fucking stupid.

7. When you get mad, ou look stupid (a corollary of the above)

In your head, it feels like righteous indignation. On your face, it reads, “Call me Jeffrey Dahmer.” When you yell at a customer service rep, you look like a psycho. You may be right, but you’ll get no sympathy from anybody.

8. Don’t expect service

You’re in an airport, dealing with an airline. I don’t care if you’re super-fly-triple-platinum-guy, you will be treated like shit. And, the more you fly, the greater the odds of your likely shitty treatment. This is the only business in which a company’s best customers routinely get fucked (except porn).

I lived this. I’ve held a lot of travel-heavy jobs, but 2002 stands out for me. From January through June, I racked up more than 90,000 base miles on Northwest. If I hadn’t effectively moved from Boston to Omaha for the balance of the year, it would have been close to 200,000. This is strictly miles flown– no bonuses or any shit like that. I spent a lot of cash on flights (and billed it to my clients!!!), but I ultimately chose which airline to fly. Yet, Northwest did not treat me like a prince. They didn’t even shoot me a smile when all the other scum got scowls. Yeah, money well spent.

Final Thoughts

Look, I could keep going, but you already have plenty to work on. If you can master these eight simple rules, you’ll graduate from disastrous scumbag to mild pain in the ass. Everyone will be happier; trust me.

Helsinki Is Like Boston

Not exactly, but in some ways.

Helsinki is a cozy city of a few hundred thousand people. Skyscrapers are noticeably absent, and the people tend to be young. There is a bit of cobblestone, and there are cues that the culture has history. Also, people drive like retards and park on the sidewalk. Trolleys run through the middle of the street, mixed with traffic (though in Boston, they run alongside but segregated).

But, to the locals’ credit, they are unlike Bostonians. Everyone here has been incredibly pleasant, and they have gone out of their ways to make my experience here enjoyable.

Also, Helsinki does not have a larger cousin next door. Boston perpetually lives in the shadow of New York, truly making it a second city. There isn’t much outside Helsinki, so the inferiority complex is noticeably lacking. This is what Boston would be like if (a) it weren’t near New York and (b) if it weren’t inhabited by Bostonians.