What travelers hope to find on the Wandering Blogger

I’ve picked up the habit of posting the most popular search terms used to find my other blog, Migrant Blogger, and I think I’ll do it here. Wandering Blogger is finally picking up some momentum! Well, since launching, the most popular search term appears to consist of variations on “Cafe Mozart closed,” often including “Manhattan” or “New York” in the query. Yes, the restaurant did close, much to my chagrin (but not my father’s). The place lost its lease, which is why it shut down (to answer one search engine-based question).

For those of you looking for absinthe in Naples, FL, your SOL– at least if you’re looking for real absinthe. You can’t get it anywhere in the United States. But, if Naples, FL is on your mind, you might want to check out the Ritz-Carlton Golf Resort. I spent a weekend there and loved it. Learn more at TraderDaily.com or TripAdvisor. Gare du Nord, a train station in Paris, Albert Maes, and foreign street signs are popular as well.

Also, someone was looking for “Blue Lagoon Spa fucking.” I get it. The Blue Lagoon Spa is a great destination not far from Reykjavik, Iceland. I assume they frown upon sex in the lagoon, but I guess it’s worth a shot.

Rules for Air Travelers

If you don’t fly often, you probably feel a bit uncomfortable in an airport. It’s crowded, has plenty of moving parts and offers many ways for you to screw up. Odds are you’ll ask for help at the wrong place or time, delaying hundreds of people who know what they are doing. So, to keep you from punishing people for your own ignorance or stupidity, I’ve decided to give you a set of idiot-proof rules for behavior. Follow them, and you’ll do just fine.

1. Find someone who knows what he’s doing; imitate him

Look for a person carrying a laptop or wearing a suit. He or she is probably a consultant, attorney or investment banker … and frequent traveler. This person is your new role model. Take off your shoes, fetch your boarding pass, etc. when this person does. You’ll be in good shape.

2. Pack less

If you can’t carry it all yourself, you shouldn’t make us suffer. Your burden is your problem, not mine. If you can’t carry it, you don’t need it. If you need it, you shouldn’t leave home.

3. Shut your kids up

To you, your kids are a blessing. To me, they are Satan’s representatives of assholia on Earth. When your kids cry, you see they are upset. When your kids cry, my wife sees that I’m upset. Do whatever it takes to shut them up.

Now, some people believe that children should learn that they can’t always get what they want. And, if they have to cry, you should let them. Here’s the problem with that approach. I really don’t give a shit about your kids. I have so little at stake in how they are raised that I can’t conceive of caring. So, conduct the life lessons on your own time and at home. Not my problem.

Coming home from Paris a couple of years ago, some woman’s son was crying on the plane. She started to breastfeed him at her seat. Normally, I’m not a big fan of this, but it shut her id’s mouth. I applaud her. Her other kid (probably three or four years old) then started to cry. All I could think was, “Hey, you have another one. Use it.” Thankfully, I said nothing.

This is actually tucked away on a discount European airline's servers

4. Think ahead

 

Don’t wait until you are at security to take your laptop out of your carry-on. If there is a line to get through security– and there usually is– use this time wisely. I do the following while waiting in line: (1) take laptop out of bag, (2) take off my shoes, (3) slide my license or passport and boarding pass under one of my shoes (between the show and the laptop, held by my side) and (4) put any metal (such as my blackberry and cigar cutter) into the small pocket on the front of my backpack. By the time I get to the x-ray machine, all I have to do is toss my stuff on the conveyor belt. It saves plenty of time– for me and those around me.

Do it my way.

5. Use time in line effectively

Long line at Sbarro? Lots of people want to go to Starbucks? Use this to your advantage– and mine. read the fucking menu while you’re in line. There is no excuse for standing around for 20 minutes before getting to the cash register and saying, “I’m not sure …” No fucking excuse. This is an extension of the security concept above, but my audience for this probably can’t see the connection without a little help.

6. Don’t negotiate

Oversold means oversold. No amount of charisma or belligerence will change this fact. Don’t make me wait because you got screwed. When that happens, you turn one problem into several. See, you have the problem that causes you to bitch at the customer service rep. But, you cause a problem for everyone else who is waiting in line behind you. We have to wait, while you negotiate for something that doesn’t exist. So, shut up, and move on.

Now, you may view yourself as something of a freedom fighter. You’re taking on the incompetent airline on behalf of all of us, and we should appreciate your efforts. Right? Bullshit. You look like a fucking retard when you fight with the inept. You don’t inspire respect; you inspire rage. When you beg, negotiate or fight on my time, all you do is direct my anger from the airline to you. I don’t think I’m alone on this one.

The last time I flew, a Delta flight to West Palm Beach was canceled, so all those poor slobs tried to get on my flight to Ft Lauderdale. But, my flight was already oversold. So, to tose morons who waited in line for more than half an hour, I ask, just what the fuck did you hope to accomplish? Did you really think you’d get me bumped? Seriously, don’t be fucking stupid.

7. When you get mad, ou look stupid (a corollary of the above)

In your head, it feels like righteous indignation. On your face, it reads, “Call me Jeffrey Dahmer.” When you yell at a customer service rep, you look like a psycho. You may be right, but you’ll get no sympathy from anybody.

8. Don’t expect service

You’re in an airport, dealing with an airline. I don’t care if you’re super-fly-triple-platinum-guy, you will be treated like shit. And, the more you fly, the greater the odds of your likely shitty treatment. This is the only business in which a company’s best customers routinely get fucked (except porn).

I lived this. I’ve held a lot of travel-heavy jobs, but 2002 stands out for me. From January through June, I racked up more than 90,000 base miles on Northwest. If I hadn’t effectively moved from Boston to Omaha for the balance of the year, it would have been close to 200,000. This is strictly miles flown– no bonuses or any shit like that. I spent a lot of cash on flights (and billed it to my clients!!!), but I ultimately chose which airline to fly. Yet, Northwest did not treat me like a prince. They didn’t even shoot me a smile when all the other scum got scowls. Yeah, money well spent.

Final Thoughts

Look, I could keep going, but you already have plenty to work on. If you can master these eight simple rules, you’ll graduate from disastrous scumbag to mild pain in the ass. Everyone will be happier; trust me.

Answers to Your Search Term Questions

I take a look at the search terms used to find the Wandering Blogger. It helps give me a sense of what interests you. Looking at yesterday’s and today’s activity, it looks like a few of my readers are looking for answers. Just in case you didn’t find them before, I’ll make them explicit now.

Today, someone wanted to learn about the “JetBlue Customer Commitment Team”. Interesting. If there is such a group, I’m pretty sure they’re just as ineffective as everyone else at JetBlue. This airline seems committed to stranding people in airports, and that’s about it. So, if you have a choice between JetBlue and any other airline, take the latter.

Speaking of JetBlue, it appears to be my most popular search term. Readers have hunted for the following:

• JetBlue diverted
• JetBlue Newark delays 2008
• JetBlue flight cancellations August 17

Some of those were pretty specific. I guess someone else got screwed by JetBlue …

One reader wants to know how long it takes to get from Reykjavik to the Blue Lagoon resort in Iceland. It’s about 45 minutes by bus, though you can probably get there a bit faster if you rent a car. I absolutely loved my trip to Blue Lagoon, so check out my blog entry on it.

For the reader who wants to know what to pack for a trip to Nice, France in August: it gets hot. I’d go with shorts and short-sleeved shirts. Yes, you’ll stand out as an American, but live with it. They’d have figured it out from the cowboy hat anyway. Definitely pack a bathing suit, but keep in mind that the beaches are different in southern France. Instead of having sand, they have smoth stones. They won’t hurt your feet, but it makes building castles a tad more difficult.

A few stragglers:

Internext Hollywood 2008 was probably for someone looking for pictures of hotties rather than coverage of my amazing panel on the adult economy. One would-be traveler is interested in the “Grand Spa at Tabacon,” and another has an interest in North Korea’s 2009 Mass Games. Well, he should know that Arirang will not be held next year, so it’s 2008 or 2012. Act now.

Of course, if you ever run out of travel ideas, you can always check out my column at TraderDaily.com >>

New Reviews on TripAdvisor

As you know, I’ve been traveling a lot lately. So, I’ve done my duty as an online citizen and posted reviews to TripAdvisor.com. I have three new additions to the party:

• Ritz-Carlton Golf Resort, Naples, FL >>
• Hotel St Paul, Montreal, Quebec, Canada >>
• Westin Diplomat, Hollywood, FL >>

Yeah, I’ve been spending a lot of time in Florida lately. I’m not thrilled about that fact. Florida’s not usually at the top of my list at any time of the year, and summer is the worst.

Check out my hotel in Hollywood, FL

I wasn’t looking forward to Hollywood, FL. But, I have to admit, the hotel, the Westin Diplomat, is excellent. Not only do they have bathrobes here, but the room itself is amazing. It is quite large, and there is a bathroom area (not including the toilet) that opens into the bedroom. The bathtub is almost impressive. I haven’t been onto the balcony yet. It’s on the 30th floor and has a great few, but I can get the view without stepping onto it. I’m not crazy about heights, so I’ll pass on putting my life at risk.

I suspect this place will get a good review from me on TripAdvisor, but I’m not planning to say anything nice about the restaurant. The food was decent, but the service was absolutely awful. It took forever for someone to take my order. Much later, when they realized how pissed I was, the service improved, but the waiter seemed to be overcomensating.

I Hate to Fly

This isn’t a fear issue. I’ve never been afraid to fly, and I’ve spent more time on planes at my tender age than most people will in their entire lives. I’ve had super-duper-elite-medallion-preferred status on several airlines at the same time. But, for some reason, I have not gotten used to what flying entails.

I made it to LaGuardia airport an hour before my flight, already pissed because I was under the gun for a day job deadline. I was starving and dropped my pizza on the floor. Of course, I screamed an obscenity, though it was my own fucking fault. Just a reference point– this is the type of mood I was in.

Well, I guess I still haven’t learned that everyone working in an airport is fucking inept. Quadruple espresso: how fucking hard is that? But, I get it. This is to were the folks who will cure cancer someday wind up. I’m coming to accept this.

I have particular hatred for infrequent travelers. Though I’m no longer on the road 40+ weeks a year(how I hated those days …), I do still get to an airport almost monthly, and I’ve been a pretty frequent traveler for more than a decade. My point: I know how to behave in an airport. These other dimwits don’t. It drives me out of my fucking mind to see them fuck everything up (like not taking laptops out of bags until at the x-ray machine.

If you can’t, read signs and follow instructions, you belong on a fucking bus.

On the Road … Again

I’m hand-writing this on the plane, so by the time you read it, I’ll be comfortably ensconced in my room at the Westin Diplomat. Yep, I’m goin’ to Hollywood. Well, Hollywood, FL. It wasn’t my first choice (I’m not terribly crazy about Florida, especially in the summer). But, I was invited to speak at a conference. To do so, I had to haul my ass down to Florida. While I’m down here, I plan to conduct a few interviews and drum up a handful of new sources. You’ll see the results in my AVN column over the next several months.

New Travel Article: Ritz-Carlton, Naples, FL

Remember that trip I took to an undisclosed location in Florida a few weeks back? It was to the Ritz-Carlton Golf Resort in Naples, FL. Now that the article has been posted on TraderDaily.com’s travel section, I can finally talk about it! I have to admit, it was among the best hotel experiences I have had (and keep in mind that I spent several years logging 40+ weeks on the road).

I am so happy that I can finally tell you guys how much I loved that place. You’ll read all about it on TraderDaily.com, but I do want to rave about the spa there for a sec. It was nothing short of heavenly. I seriously felt like my hands and feet were going to float away. If there is ever a reason to go to Florida, this is it.

Check out the review at TraderDaily.com >>

Hitting the road again soon

On Thursday morning, I’m hopping on a plane again. The timing is perfect, as I could really use a chance to recharge. The past few weeks have been pretty tough. The rush is over, but I’m having trouble getting my energy back up. So, a break will be nice. I’m headed up to Montreal to check the city out for my travel column. I’ll be up there for four days, and I haven’t been in about 15 years. On my last trip, I spent more time on the slopes than I did in the city, so this is really my first trip to Montreal. My French is a bit rusty, but I hope it will suffice.

After that, I’m home for a weekend and hope to check out the Salvador Dali exhibit at MoMA. Julio Aguilera says great things about it, and he’s a reliable source. I’m going, and you should, too. After that, the travel heats up again. On August 2/3, I’ll be in Philly at the HotMovies.com party with Pornsaints.org. Julio will be showing paintings from his “Ladies of San Fernando Valley” series for the first time at the accompanying art show. Finally, I’ll be at Internext in Hollywood, FL from August 8 to August 10. Following Internext, I hope to be home for about two months.

So, I should have plenty of new material coming soon. I’ve just been jammed lately.

And no, I won’t be flying JetBlue.

Finally Home

Well, it took more than 24 hours, but I am finally home. It could have been a lot worse. Had I not been traveling on business– with a very understanding hotel– I could have spent the night in the Fort Meyers airport, sleeping on the floor and trying to subsist on fast food as both my Blackberries lost their remaining battery juice. Instead, I was comfortable, ate and drank well and was lent a Blackberry charger. So, I have few real complaints– excpet when it comes to JetBlue.