The Washington Metro

This has to be one of my favorite subway systems in the world. Don’t get me wrong, I do love New York– and our subways. But, when you have as many people riding it every day as we do, it’s going to get tired quickly. Since D.C. is, to a certain extent, our nation’s showplace, they do seem to invest heavily in a clean and advanced subway system. It is nice, fast and has cool digital signs telling you how far away the next train is.

This city makes it easiest to take the subway from the airport into the city. In Boston, you have to take a shuttle bus from the terminals to the subway station. It’s not convenient, but not bad. New York is a genuine pain in the ass. To get from JFK to the city, you have to take a weird train to the subway (it costs more and takes a while). Then, you have to go from the outer reaches of Queens through all of Brooklyn, then up Manhattan from the bottom. Brutality. From LaGuardia, you have to take the Q47 or Q48 bus (depending on terminal) to the F train, V train or 7 train in Jackson Heights. After that, the subway ride isn’t bad, but the bus can be a major PITA.*

But, from Reagan National, the trip is easy. I got off the Delta Shuttle and was able to walk to the metro station from within the airport. It was easy. Seven stops later, I was at McPherson Square.

Too fucking easy.

————–

*Pain in the ass

Rules for Air Travelers

If you don’t fly often, you probably feel a bit uncomfortable in an airport. It’s crowded, has plenty of moving parts and offers many ways for you to screw up. Odds are you’ll ask for help at the wrong place or time, delaying hundreds of people who know what they are doing. So, to keep you from punishing people for your own ignorance or stupidity, I’ve decided to give you a set of idiot-proof rules for behavior. Follow them, and you’ll do just fine.

1. Find someone who knows what he’s doing; imitate him

Look for a person carrying a laptop or wearing a suit. He or she is probably a consultant, attorney or investment banker … and frequent traveler. This person is your new role model. Take off your shoes, fetch your boarding pass, etc. when this person does. You’ll be in good shape.

2. Pack less

If you can’t carry it all yourself, you shouldn’t make us suffer. Your burden is your problem, not mine. If you can’t carry it, you don’t need it. If you need it, you shouldn’t leave home.

3. Shut your kids up

To you, your kids are a blessing. To me, they are Satan’s representatives of assholia on Earth. When your kids cry, you see they are upset. When your kids cry, my wife sees that I’m upset. Do whatever it takes to shut them up.

Now, some people believe that children should learn that they can’t always get what they want. And, if they have to cry, you should let them. Here’s the problem with that approach. I really don’t give a shit about your kids. I have so little at stake in how they are raised that I can’t conceive of caring. So, conduct the life lessons on your own time and at home. Not my problem.

Coming home from Paris a couple of years ago, some woman’s son was crying on the plane. She started to breastfeed him at her seat. Normally, I’m not a big fan of this, but it shut her id’s mouth. I applaud her. Her other kid (probably three or four years old) then started to cry. All I could think was, “Hey, you have another one. Use it.” Thankfully, I said nothing.

This is actually tucked away on a discount European airline's servers

4. Think ahead

 

Don’t wait until you are at security to take your laptop out of your carry-on. If there is a line to get through security– and there usually is– use this time wisely. I do the following while waiting in line: (1) take laptop out of bag, (2) take off my shoes, (3) slide my license or passport and boarding pass under one of my shoes (between the show and the laptop, held by my side) and (4) put any metal (such as my blackberry and cigar cutter) into the small pocket on the front of my backpack. By the time I get to the x-ray machine, all I have to do is toss my stuff on the conveyor belt. It saves plenty of time– for me and those around me.

Do it my way.

5. Use time in line effectively

Long line at Sbarro? Lots of people want to go to Starbucks? Use this to your advantage– and mine. read the fucking menu while you’re in line. There is no excuse for standing around for 20 minutes before getting to the cash register and saying, “I’m not sure …” No fucking excuse. This is an extension of the security concept above, but my audience for this probably can’t see the connection without a little help.

6. Don’t negotiate

Oversold means oversold. No amount of charisma or belligerence will change this fact. Don’t make me wait because you got screwed. When that happens, you turn one problem into several. See, you have the problem that causes you to bitch at the customer service rep. But, you cause a problem for everyone else who is waiting in line behind you. We have to wait, while you negotiate for something that doesn’t exist. So, shut up, and move on.

Now, you may view yourself as something of a freedom fighter. You’re taking on the incompetent airline on behalf of all of us, and we should appreciate your efforts. Right? Bullshit. You look like a fucking retard when you fight with the inept. You don’t inspire respect; you inspire rage. When you beg, negotiate or fight on my time, all you do is direct my anger from the airline to you. I don’t think I’m alone on this one.

The last time I flew, a Delta flight to West Palm Beach was canceled, so all those poor slobs tried to get on my flight to Ft Lauderdale. But, my flight was already oversold. So, to tose morons who waited in line for more than half an hour, I ask, just what the fuck did you hope to accomplish? Did you really think you’d get me bumped? Seriously, don’t be fucking stupid.

7. When you get mad, ou look stupid (a corollary of the above)

In your head, it feels like righteous indignation. On your face, it reads, “Call me Jeffrey Dahmer.” When you yell at a customer service rep, you look like a psycho. You may be right, but you’ll get no sympathy from anybody.

8. Don’t expect service

You’re in an airport, dealing with an airline. I don’t care if you’re super-fly-triple-platinum-guy, you will be treated like shit. And, the more you fly, the greater the odds of your likely shitty treatment. This is the only business in which a company’s best customers routinely get fucked (except porn).

I lived this. I’ve held a lot of travel-heavy jobs, but 2002 stands out for me. From January through June, I racked up more than 90,000 base miles on Northwest. If I hadn’t effectively moved from Boston to Omaha for the balance of the year, it would have been close to 200,000. This is strictly miles flown– no bonuses or any shit like that. I spent a lot of cash on flights (and billed it to my clients!!!), but I ultimately chose which airline to fly. Yet, Northwest did not treat me like a prince. They didn’t even shoot me a smile when all the other scum got scowls. Yeah, money well spent.

Final Thoughts

Look, I could keep going, but you already have plenty to work on. If you can master these eight simple rules, you’ll graduate from disastrous scumbag to mild pain in the ass. Everyone will be happier; trust me.

Check out Montreal

My latest TraderDaily.com travel article has been posted. I had an absolute blast when I was up there last month, and I look forward to going again soon.

J’aime la Montreal!

So, take a look at the article on traveling to Montreal, then book a quick trip up there. If you’re in Boston or New York, Montreal isn’t too far up north.

While you’re up there, go grab a hot dog. They have decent dogs at the pool hall (there aren’t any pool tables there any more, just hot dogs) on St Denis. That’s exactly what I’m doing in the picture.

With fall coming, you probably think it will be cold as hell up there. You’d be absolutely wrong. Don’t think; let me do that for you. It’s beautiful up there well into October and probably into November. The air is nice and crisp.

Read about Montreal on TraderDaily.com >>

Friends Don’t Let Friends Fly JetBlue

Here’s the latest: my flight has been pushed back to 1:30 pm. The announcement was made, and no reason was given. So, I went up to the gate and asked why. The employees were not sure. Finally one said she thought it was high wind. In order to find out the reason for the delay, they have to decipher some small codes on the computer screen. I imagine that it must be quite difficult (not joking).

There’s a problem with is situation– aside from the ongoing problem of my not being in New York yet. the inability to decipher the reasons for a delay prevents JetBlue from living up to its obligations under its “Customer Bill of Rights“. As I mentioned in a post yesterday, JetBlue promises:

INFORMATION

JetBlue will notify customers of the following:

• Delays prior to scheduled departure
• Cancellations and their cause
• Diversions and their cause

I find it interesting that delays do not trigger a need to provide the cause, while cancellations and diversions do.  So, let’s even take my predicament out of the equation and try to figure out how, in general, the policy works for cancellations and diversions. Since the folks at the gate cannot readily interpret the information they are provided, how can they comply with the second two bullet points above. JetBlue is simply not equipped to follow its own policy.

JetBlue simply cannot succeed; it can’t engineer successes where they don’t belong. They have built a policy that matches the effectiveness of the staff: destined for failure.

Inside the Bowels of Jamaica, Queens

I had a shitty day at work. Seriously. I was not in the fucking mood for anything. But, that was okay. I knew that at 3:45 PM my chariot would arrive to take me to the airport for a weekend of pure bliss.

Bliss, I found, is something to be earned.

As usual, I called Carmel Limo to take me to JFK airport. I always use Carmel. Generally, they’re pretty good. The driver I had today was awful. Carmel usually shows up annoyingly early. This guy was annoyingly late. Then, to avoid traffic, he lengthened the trip by taking me through Woodhaven and Jamaica, in Queens. It took forever. And, he was a shitty driver … by my standards, which are not high.

It’s all fine now. I’m on the balcony outside my absurdly beautiful and comfortable hotel room. But, the ride sucked.