The nastiest terminal in the world

This distinction used to belong to the Delta Shuttle terminal at Logan Airport in Boston. But, Logan finally reopened A Terminal as the Delta spot, and it is quite nice. Now that the Delta Shuttle has received a facelift in Boston, it’s New York location wins top honors as nastiest terminal in the world. Marine Air (also known as Terminal A) services the Delta Shuttle to Boston, Washington, D.C. and Chicago. I think there is another low-rent airline in there, but I can’t remember. Doesn’t matter. Marine Air Terminal is a fucking dump.

But, let’s not dwell on the negative. Unlike the old Boston digs for the Delta Shuttle, you don’t have to go through security to hit a bathroom. Coffee is freely available on weekday mornings (and tastes like shit– both counts true in the old Boston terminal), several free newspapers and magazines are offered. But, the closest thing to even fast food is a cafeteria-style sit-down place … outside the security checkpoint. Inside, there is some prepared fare, but I wouldn’t go near it. A regular-sized candy bar will set you back more than $2.

It really is a sad state of affairs.

I mean, just take a look at this insanity. You are supposed to navigate this maze in order to grab a taxi or find your towncar– both of which jockey with regular-people-cars who are suckered into dropping off or picking up. It’s insanity. I hate all airports, but this is just obscene. It’s like taking an airport and giving control to Greyhound. Disgraceful.

Back in New York

Well, I can now say I’ve had a problem-free trip on Delta! I took the shuttle home from Washington, D.C. this afternoon, and I had no trouble at all. The plane left on time. It landed on time. They were perfectly pleasant. Nothing was screwed up. The plane even seemed to have a bit more space than most others. So, I’m not above giving props where they are due.

So, as a thanks to Delta for not fucking up, I’m giving them some free space on the Wandering Blogger and letting the world know that the Delta Shuttle may be the easiest way to travel between New York and Washington, D.C.

And, I’m even going to give Delta an extra link.

Book your next flight on the Delta Shuttle >>

The Washington Metro

This has to be one of my favorite subway systems in the world. Don’t get me wrong, I do love New York– and our subways. But, when you have as many people riding it every day as we do, it’s going to get tired quickly. Since D.C. is, to a certain extent, our nation’s showplace, they do seem to invest heavily in a clean and advanced subway system. It is nice, fast and has cool digital signs telling you how far away the next train is.

This city makes it easiest to take the subway from the airport into the city. In Boston, you have to take a shuttle bus from the terminals to the subway station. It’s not convenient, but not bad. New York is a genuine pain in the ass. To get from JFK to the city, you have to take a weird train to the subway (it costs more and takes a while). Then, you have to go from the outer reaches of Queens through all of Brooklyn, then up Manhattan from the bottom. Brutality. From LaGuardia, you have to take the Q47 or Q48 bus (depending on terminal) to the F train, V train or 7 train in Jackson Heights. After that, the subway ride isn’t bad, but the bus can be a major PITA.*

But, from Reagan National, the trip is easy. I got off the Delta Shuttle and was able to walk to the metro station from within the airport. It was easy. Seven stops later, I was at McPherson Square.

Too fucking easy.

————–

*Pain in the ass

Rules for Air Travelers

If you don’t fly often, you probably feel a bit uncomfortable in an airport. It’s crowded, has plenty of moving parts and offers many ways for you to screw up. Odds are you’ll ask for help at the wrong place or time, delaying hundreds of people who know what they are doing. So, to keep you from punishing people for your own ignorance or stupidity, I’ve decided to give you a set of idiot-proof rules for behavior. Follow them, and you’ll do just fine.

1. Find someone who knows what he’s doing; imitate him

Look for a person carrying a laptop or wearing a suit. He or she is probably a consultant, attorney or investment banker … and frequent traveler. This person is your new role model. Take off your shoes, fetch your boarding pass, etc. when this person does. You’ll be in good shape.

2. Pack less

If you can’t carry it all yourself, you shouldn’t make us suffer. Your burden is your problem, not mine. If you can’t carry it, you don’t need it. If you need it, you shouldn’t leave home.

3. Shut your kids up

To you, your kids are a blessing. To me, they are Satan’s representatives of assholia on Earth. When your kids cry, you see they are upset. When your kids cry, my wife sees that I’m upset. Do whatever it takes to shut them up.

Now, some people believe that children should learn that they can’t always get what they want. And, if they have to cry, you should let them. Here’s the problem with that approach. I really don’t give a shit about your kids. I have so little at stake in how they are raised that I can’t conceive of caring. So, conduct the life lessons on your own time and at home. Not my problem.

Coming home from Paris a couple of years ago, some woman’s son was crying on the plane. She started to breastfeed him at her seat. Normally, I’m not a big fan of this, but it shut her id’s mouth. I applaud her. Her other kid (probably three or four years old) then started to cry. All I could think was, “Hey, you have another one. Use it.” Thankfully, I said nothing.

This is actually tucked away on a discount European airline's servers

4. Think ahead

 

Don’t wait until you are at security to take your laptop out of your carry-on. If there is a line to get through security– and there usually is– use this time wisely. I do the following while waiting in line: (1) take laptop out of bag, (2) take off my shoes, (3) slide my license or passport and boarding pass under one of my shoes (between the show and the laptop, held by my side) and (4) put any metal (such as my blackberry and cigar cutter) into the small pocket on the front of my backpack. By the time I get to the x-ray machine, all I have to do is toss my stuff on the conveyor belt. It saves plenty of time– for me and those around me.

Do it my way.

5. Use time in line effectively

Long line at Sbarro? Lots of people want to go to Starbucks? Use this to your advantage– and mine. read the fucking menu while you’re in line. There is no excuse for standing around for 20 minutes before getting to the cash register and saying, “I’m not sure …” No fucking excuse. This is an extension of the security concept above, but my audience for this probably can’t see the connection without a little help.

6. Don’t negotiate

Oversold means oversold. No amount of charisma or belligerence will change this fact. Don’t make me wait because you got screwed. When that happens, you turn one problem into several. See, you have the problem that causes you to bitch at the customer service rep. But, you cause a problem for everyone else who is waiting in line behind you. We have to wait, while you negotiate for something that doesn’t exist. So, shut up, and move on.

Now, you may view yourself as something of a freedom fighter. You’re taking on the incompetent airline on behalf of all of us, and we should appreciate your efforts. Right? Bullshit. You look like a fucking retard when you fight with the inept. You don’t inspire respect; you inspire rage. When you beg, negotiate or fight on my time, all you do is direct my anger from the airline to you. I don’t think I’m alone on this one.

The last time I flew, a Delta flight to West Palm Beach was canceled, so all those poor slobs tried to get on my flight to Ft Lauderdale. But, my flight was already oversold. So, to tose morons who waited in line for more than half an hour, I ask, just what the fuck did you hope to accomplish? Did you really think you’d get me bumped? Seriously, don’t be fucking stupid.

7. When you get mad, ou look stupid (a corollary of the above)

In your head, it feels like righteous indignation. On your face, it reads, “Call me Jeffrey Dahmer.” When you yell at a customer service rep, you look like a psycho. You may be right, but you’ll get no sympathy from anybody.

8. Don’t expect service

You’re in an airport, dealing with an airline. I don’t care if you’re super-fly-triple-platinum-guy, you will be treated like shit. And, the more you fly, the greater the odds of your likely shitty treatment. This is the only business in which a company’s best customers routinely get fucked (except porn).

I lived this. I’ve held a lot of travel-heavy jobs, but 2002 stands out for me. From January through June, I racked up more than 90,000 base miles on Northwest. If I hadn’t effectively moved from Boston to Omaha for the balance of the year, it would have been close to 200,000. This is strictly miles flown– no bonuses or any shit like that. I spent a lot of cash on flights (and billed it to my clients!!!), but I ultimately chose which airline to fly. Yet, Northwest did not treat me like a prince. They didn’t even shoot me a smile when all the other scum got scowls. Yeah, money well spent.

Final Thoughts

Look, I could keep going, but you already have plenty to work on. If you can master these eight simple rules, you’ll graduate from disastrous scumbag to mild pain in the ass. Everyone will be happier; trust me.

Check out Montreal

My latest TraderDaily.com travel article has been posted. I had an absolute blast when I was up there last month, and I look forward to going again soon.

J’aime la Montreal!

So, take a look at the article on traveling to Montreal, then book a quick trip up there. If you’re in Boston or New York, Montreal isn’t too far up north.

While you’re up there, go grab a hot dog. They have decent dogs at the pool hall (there aren’t any pool tables there any more, just hot dogs) on St Denis. That’s exactly what I’m doing in the picture.

With fall coming, you probably think it will be cold as hell up there. You’d be absolutely wrong. Don’t think; let me do that for you. It’s beautiful up there well into October and probably into November. The air is nice and crisp.

Read about Montreal on TraderDaily.com >>

Diverted to Baltimore but Eventually Home

Well, there must be somebody to blame. This time, it seems more like LaGuardia’s fault than Delta’s.

[a considerable amount of time elapses]

Someone’s gotten his shit together. I’m back in Manhattan and happy. The flight home was a pain in the ass. The flight wasn’t able to land in New York, because there was too much traffic. So, we had to circle until we were too low on fuel. The plane was sent to Baltimore, where we waited until some sort of “hold” on LaGuardia was lifted. At least the cab ride back into the city was easy.

It’s starting to feel like, whatever I do, I get screwed on the flight. Montreal was the exception … the only exception.

I Hate to Fly

This isn’t a fear issue. I’ve never been afraid to fly, and I’ve spent more time on planes at my tender age than most people will in their entire lives. I’ve had super-duper-elite-medallion-preferred status on several airlines at the same time. But, for some reason, I have not gotten used to what flying entails.

I made it to LaGuardia airport an hour before my flight, already pissed because I was under the gun for a day job deadline. I was starving and dropped my pizza on the floor. Of course, I screamed an obscenity, though it was my own fucking fault. Just a reference point– this is the type of mood I was in.

Well, I guess I still haven’t learned that everyone working in an airport is fucking inept. Quadruple espresso: how fucking hard is that? But, I get it. This is to were the folks who will cure cancer someday wind up. I’m coming to accept this.

I have particular hatred for infrequent travelers. Though I’m no longer on the road 40+ weeks a year(how I hated those days …), I do still get to an airport almost monthly, and I’ve been a pretty frequent traveler for more than a decade. My point: I know how to behave in an airport. These other dimwits don’t. It drives me out of my fucking mind to see them fuck everything up (like not taking laptops out of bags until at the x-ray machine.

If you can’t, read signs and follow instructions, you belong on a fucking bus.